Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every. Damn. Time.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great