Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports