Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

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[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best


HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’


When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.


When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.


Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip


You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket