@Book_Krazy

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@FeelingEuphoric

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@edgarrants

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

@sadmonsters

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

@crushingbort

Ben Carson’s book includes a story about single-handedly halting a bear attack during a school camping trip

@Jacob_Swift16

You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket