Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
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I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
dutch so unserious
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I’m not wrong
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
somewhere, in an alternate universe