ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
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Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?