ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
When your man makes a valid point
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?