Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

Look Ma, no handle on things

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

CRYING

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*