Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness