Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time