Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

…żyje?

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

No. He’s not coming out to play

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter