Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”