Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*