Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

good for her

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

Safety first

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.