Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Just grow your own
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?