Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

Leaving the Barbers like

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.