Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

I can’t deal with men any longer

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once