Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not today.. 😂

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in