Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

So inspired right now.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.