Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.