Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

i actually laughed 😩

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.