Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Mornin
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Fight
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.