Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

Stop.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

same energy

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern