Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Breaking news:

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.