Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

<Enter Password>

Morningbreath

<Password too strong>

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

I didn’t realize that was an option

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again