Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Am I having a stroke?

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you