Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim