Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Printer ink is expensive
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.