Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I’d hang this in my house.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!