Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.: