Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

HERE’S MARKY

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

oh my god

a god among men

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.