Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Boating season is upon us.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!