me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*