Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Realtor: It’s cozy
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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I bet you say that to all the guys…
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
An app like twitter but for people who can read
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.