Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

Hoping to spice up my evening

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.