Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

🛁

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life