Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

*pronounces fake like saké*

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

GM✌🏻

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

Worth a try

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]