Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

Sex so good you see dead people.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.