Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.