Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

#Caturday

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.