Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

I feel attacked.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.