Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

what day is it?

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated