me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
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Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.