Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

Therapist: tell me your dreams

Me: cheese

Therapist: no your weird dreams

Me: still cheese

Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams

Me: kinky cheese?

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

life lately

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!