ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
absolute chaos
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
even bears disappoint their mothers
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
crying
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Don’t touch that.