ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.