Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this