Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
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*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
me as a parent
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here