Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
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Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I’m giving up for Lent.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti