Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

I’m good, thanks.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

never deleting this app.

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

Stop sending me this shit.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.