Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?