Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.

Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.

It’s for plane enthusiasts.

What were you thinking?

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works