Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Oops 🤭

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Body by sandwich.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

(Jupiter –