Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

🤣

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?