Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’

Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’

Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

I’M CRYINGGG

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.