Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Otters drive ottermobiles.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

58.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.