Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
She puts the hot in psychotic
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’