Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

stand with me against insufficient seating

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

“No way.” -Jose

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me