Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

new career option?

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”