me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.