Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?