Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?