Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes