Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

“We will wed,” I threatened

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”