Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!