Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

💀

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Good morning ☺️

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days