Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot