Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
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Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.