Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄

Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

normalize having existential bread

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Noah

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?