Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

the saddest jazz hands ever

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

Ape together strong

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.