Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.