Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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(Gaming support cat.)
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I used the label maker
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people