Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Match dot com, but for socks.

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

nobody’s gonna understand