Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
they should invent a rest for the wicked
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.